Falling into a rut seems inevitable when you have depression, but when do we stop and realise that it’s gone too far? Gradually you stop exercising, stop going out as much, basically you withdraw from everything that used to bring you pleasure. I’m in a rut, unfortunately, and I’ve known this for a while. As you already know I stopped exercising, stopped meditating and stopped writing. The last one especially is very sad because I used to write non-stop and now I’m lucky if I write once a week. However, the one thing that’s really highlighted the severity of my rut is that I’m not reading as much.
“You’re still reading that book?”
This was a comment from a co-worker the other day as he passed my desk and saw Carve the Mark by Veronica Roth sitting on my desk, as it has done for the past couple of weeks. Everyone in my office knows that I read constantly and that I set goals on Goodreads, and they always ask what my new book is every time they see me reading something different (not always obvious when I have my Kindle). It’s not that I’m not enjoying the book I’m currently reading, I absolutely love Veronica Roth and her Divergent series. Carve the Mark is brilliant and yet I can’t motivate myself to read it as much as I would normally do. It’s one thing for my writing to fall on the back burner, but reading is something else.
A Reddit user said he reads at least 50 pages a day and I used to stick to that, though a lot of the time I surpassed that mark.
I’m determined to finish this book, I’m about three quarters through. I doubt I’ll finish it today, but perhaps tomorrow. I’m afraid to check my Goodreads reading challenge to see how far behind I am. Do I really have to force myself to read again? It’s a sad reality but another hurdle I have to conquer. After all, I can dwell on the fact that what used to bring me pleasure has sunk into the abyss of my depression…
…or I can just read.