Amidst all the loss in my family in the last couple of months, I moved into my new house with my fiancé at the start of December. It wasn’t an easy adjustment… In fact, it still isn’t an easy adjustment. I like to think I’ve settled in but I don’t have the same sense of safety I felt in my parents’ house. My old room was my sanctuary and I can’t even go back to it because it’s been redone and it no longer feels like mine anymore. I don’t wish to sound dramatic, but I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere right now.
It’s been too long since I’ve last updated. So much has happened following the death of my little Poptart. I lost my grandmother just under three weeks ago. She was 99 years old and her mind was pretty much gone but it was still heartbreaking watching her slip away. She’s been a constant presence in my life for over 30 years and even though she hasn’t recognised me these past couple of years, it’s not an easy adjustment. Now Tuesday evenings I just go straight home from work rather than to visit her in the nursing home.
She’s gone in with my grandfather who died just over 20 years ago. And we put the ashes of her beloved dog Rusty in the coffin with her. It was his passing that triggered her loss of touch with reality, and the vet had warned us about it. Now they’re all together.
My mam and I visited the grave just yesterday. My grandmother’s details haven’t yet been added to the headstone but it was clear the grave had been dug up. My poor mam broke down. We’d brought my grandmother to her husband’s graves so many times, it felt almost wrong it just being the two of us. I don’t know how it’ll hit us once her name is on the headstone.
In some ways I don’t think it’s properly hit me yet. I didn’t cry until the day after her funeral and that was only because my sister and I ended up in a huge row over something insignificant. I haven’t cried since. Am I numb? Or did I cry so much for Poppy that my tears ducts have dried up? I feel heartless to say the least. That woman meant the world to me.