Poppy

On Tuesday, 30th October my eldest dog Poppy (I called her Poptart) had to be put to sleep. She had been having seizures the previous weekend and it was established that something was growing on her brain and that it would just keep getting worse.

We adopted her just three years ago at the age of 12. We were initially told she was 14 but her booster card said 12. And on one of her last vet visits, we were told she was 13. So her age is a mystery, but I believe she was 15. I could barely function after she died. I threw myself in working on my new house and ignoring everything else. I didn’t meditate, do my morning pages, practice my German, blogging, etc. I wasn’t in work because I had taken the week off for house stuff.

I’m still not 100% and I probably won’t be for a while. I try to tell myself that she’s in a better place, she’s young and she’s healthy. Today I went back to work and I avoided everyone because I knew they’d be asking how my week off was and I couldn’t pretend it was a good week.

I hope we made her last three years comfortable and I do believe I will meet her again someday, along with the other pets I’ve lost. There has to be something beyond this.

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#30DayStoicChallenge Day 29: Write down 3 things you would do if you didn’t have to worry about money

I thought this was odd at first because I didn’t think stoicism would encourage dreams of splashing out. But it actually means how you would value life if money wasn’t an issue. Not sure if my choices would fall within this meaning but here they are:

1. I’d be a full-time writer

2. I’d volunteer/donate to animal charities

3. I’d study the paranormal

Random choices, I know. But that’s the dream!

#30DayStoicChallenge Day 28: Write down and visualize 3 goals you want to accomplish for the next week, the next month, and the next year

Again, this feels like a regurgitation of an earlier challenge which involved goals a year from now.

My goal this week is to get our new house mostly furnished and utilities set up. We got our keys last week so it’s been all go since. We went to IKEA today and got a bed. I have the week off work to get other stuff also. I can’t really look past this week. Another goal is to monitor my eldest dog’s health because she’s still quite disoriented and it may be time, even though I can’t bear to consider that. I don’t really know what else I can aim for right now. My mind is too muddled. Pity post over.

#30DayStoicChallenge Day 27: Write out all the things giving you stress. Next, write which are in your control and which are not. Do not worry about things not in your control. Of the things in your control, write out an action plan for doing what you can

I haven’t had a chance to do this because today has been quite hectic. But I am stressed and I know that a lot of it is stuff I can’t control. For example, my dogs both had health scares this week. One was given mostly the all-clear, the other not quite. I know I can’t control what happens to them. All I can do is give them their medication and see if it helps. I feel like if I cross off what I can’t control then that’s crossing off caring about what happens to my dogs. I can’t not care about them. Or maybe I just need to accept that stressing about them isn’t going to help them in any way. If only it were that simple.

#30DayStoicChallenge Day 26: Call three friends and let them know that you consider them part of your family, and that they should be able to rely on you as such

Honestly I didn’t think I’d do this challenge because today has been tough and I usually prefer to curl up in a ball. But I realised friends are medicine for days like these, so I texted/Facebook messaged my closest friends and wished them well, told them I was lucky to face them and that they’re awesome. I just hope they don’t end up thinking I’m suicidal or anything!